|
The Introduction and Decision
I was completing a degree
in Recreation, when I met my first Muslims. It was the first year that we
had been able to pre-register by computer. I preregistered and went to
Oklahoma to take care of some family business. The business took longer
than expected, so I returned to school two weeks into the semester (too
late to drop a course).
I wasn't worried about
catching up my missed work. I was sitting at the top of my class, in my
field. Even as a student, I was winning awards, in competition with
professionals.
Now, you need to understand
that while I was attending college and excelling, ran my own business, and
had many close friends, I was extremely shy. My transcripts actually had me
listed as severely reticent. I was very slow to get to know people and
rarely spoke to anyone unless was forced to, or already knew them. The
classes I was taking has to do administration and city planning, plus
programming for children. Children were the only people I ever felt
comfortable with.
Well, back to the story.
The computer printout held one enormous surprise for me. I was registered
for a Theatre class...a class were I would be required to perform in front
of real live people. I was horrified! I could not even ask a question in
class, how was I going to get on a stage in front of people? My husband was
his usual very calm and sensible self. He suggested that I talk to the
teacher, explain the problem, and arrange to paint scenery or sew costumes.
The teacher agreed to try and find a way to help me out. So I went to class
the following Tuesday.
When I entered the
classroom, I received my second shock. The class was full of 'Arabs' and
'camel jockeys'. Well, I had never seen one but I had heard of them.
There was no way I was
going to sit in a room full of dirty heathens! After all, you could catch
some dreadful disease from those people. Everyone knew they were dirty, not
to be trusted either. I shut the door and went home. (Now, there is one
little thing you should know. I had on a pair of leather hot pants, a
halter top, and a glass of wine in my hands...but they were the bad ones in
my mind.)
When I told my husband
about the Arabs in the class and that there was no way i was going back, he
responded in his usual calm way. He reminded that I was always claiming
that God had a reason for everything and maybe I should spend some time
thinking about it before I made my final decision. He also reminded me that
I had a scholars award that was paying my tuition and if I wanted to keep
it, I would have to maintain my G.P.A.. Three credit hours or 'F' would
have destroyed my chances.
For the next two days, I
prayed for guidance. On Thursday I went back to the class convinced that
God had put me there to save those poor ignorant heathens from the fires of
hell.
I proceeded to explain to
them how they would burn in the fires of hell for all eternity, if they did
not accept Jesus as their personal savior. They were very polite, but did
not convert. Then, I explained how Jesus loved them and had died on the
cross to save them from their sins. All they had to do was accept him into
their hearts. They were very polite, but still did not convert. So, I
decided to read their own book to show them that Islam was a false religion
and Mohammed was a false God.
One of the students gave me
a copy of the Qur'an and another book about Islam, and I proceeded with my
research. I was sure I would find the evidence I needed very quickly. Well,
I read the Qur'an and the other book. Then I read another 15 books, Sahih
Muslim and returned to the Qur'an. I was determined I would convert them!
My studies continued for the next one and half years.
During that time, I started
having a few problems with my husband. I was changing, just in little ways
but enough to bother him. We used to go to the bar every Friday and
Saturday, or to a party, and I no longer wanted to go. I was quieter and
more distant. He was sure I was having an affair, so he kicked me out. I
moved into an apartment with my children and continued my determined
efforts to convert the Muslims to Christianity.
The, one day, there was a
knock on my door. I opened the door and saw a man in a long white night
gown with a red and white checkered table cloth on his head. He was accompanied
by three men in pajamas. (It was the first time I had ever seen their
cultural dress.) Well, I was more than a little offended by men showing up
at my door in night clothes. What kind of a woman did they think I was? Had
they no pride or dignity? Imagine my shock when the one wearing the table
cloth said he understood I wanted to be a Muslim! I quickly informed him I
did not want to be a Muslim. I was Christian. However, I did have a few
questions. If he had the time....
His name was Abdul-Aziz
Al-Shiek and he made the time. He was very patient and discussed every
question with me. He never made me feel silly or that a question was
stupid. He asked me if I believed there was only one God and I said yes.
Then he asked if I believed Mohammed was His Messenger. Again I said yes.
He told me that I was already a Muslim!.
I argued that I was
Christian, I was just trying to understand Islam. (Inside I was thinking: I
couldn't be a Muslim! I was American and white! What would my husband say?
If I am Muslim, I will have to divorce my husband. My family would die!)
We continued talking.
Later, he explained that attaining knowledge and understanding of
spirituality was a little like climbing a ladder. If you climb a ladder and
try to skip a few rungs, there was danger of falling. The Shahadah was just
the first step on the ladder. Still we had to talk some more.
Later that afternoon, May
21, 1977 at Asr', I took Shahadah. However, there were still some things I
could not accept and it was my nature to be completely truthful so i added
a disclaimer. I said: "I bear witness that there is no god but God and
Mohammed is His Messenger" 'but, I will never cover my hair and if my
husband takes another wife, I will castrate him.'
I heard gasps from the
other men in the room, but Abdul Aziz silenced them. Later I learned that
he told the brothers never to discuss those two subjects with me. He was
sure I would come to the correct understanding.
The Shahadah was indeed a
solid footing on the ladder to spiritual knowledge and closeness to God.
but it has been a slow climb. Abdul Aziz continued to visit me and answer
my questions. May Allah reward him for his patience and tolerance. He never
admonished me or acted like a question was stupid or silly. He treated each
question with dignity and told me that the only stupid question was the one
never asked. Hmmm...my grandmother used to say that.
He explained that Allah ahd
told us to seek knowledge and questions were one of the ways to accomplish
that. When he explained something, it was like watching a rose open - petal
by petal, until it reached its full glory. When I told him that I did not
agree with something and why, he always said I was correct up to a point.
The he would show me how to look deeper and from different directions to
reach a fuller understanding. Alhamdulillah!
Over the years, I had many
teachers. Each one special, each one different. I am thankful for each one
of them and the knowledge they gave.
Each teacher helped me to grow and to love Islam more. As my
knowledge increased, the changes in me became more apparent. Within the
first year, I was wearing hijab. I have no idea when I started. It came
naturally, with increased knowledge and understanding. In time I even came
to to a proponent of polygamy. I knew that if Allah had allowed it, there
had to be something good in it.
"Glorify the name of thy Guardian - Lord Most High, Who
hath created, and further, given order and proportion; Who hath measured,
and granted guidance; and Who bringeth out the (green and lush) pasture,
and doth make it (but) swarthy stubble, By degrees shall We teach thee (The
Message), so thou shalt not forget, except as Allah wills: for He knoweth
what is manifest and what is hidden. And We will make it easy for thee (to
follow) the simple (path)." (Al-A'la 87:1-8)
When I first started to
study Islam, I did not expect to find anything that I needed or wanted in
my personal life. Little did I know that Islam would change my life. No
human could have ever convinced me that I would finally be at peace and
overflowing with love and joy because of Islam.
This book spoke of THE ONE
GOD, THE CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. It described the beautiful way in which
He had organised the world. This wondrous Qur'an had all the answers. Allah
is The Loving! Allah is the Source of Peace! Allah is the Protector! Allah
is the Forgiver! Allah is the Provider! Allah is the maintainer! Allah is
the Generous One! Allah is the Responsive! Allah is the Protecting Friend!
Allah is the Expander!
"Have we not expanded thee thy breast? And removed from
thee thy burden the which did gall thy back? And raised high the esteem (in
which) thou (art held)? So, verily, with every difficulty, there is relief:
Verily, with every difficulty there is relief!" (Al-Ishirah, 94: 1-6)
The Qur'an addressed all
the issues of existence and showed a clear path to success. It was like a
map forgiving, an owner manual for life!
How Islam changed my Life
"How much more we love the light...If once we lived in
Darkness."
When I first embraced
Islam, I really did not think it was going to affect my life very much.
Islam did not just affect my life. It totally changed it.
Family life:
My husband and I loved each other very deeply. That love for each other
still exists. Still, when I started studying Islam, we started having some
difficulties. He saw me changing and did not understand what was happening.
Neither did I. But then, I did not even realise I was changing. He decided
that the only thing that could make me change was another man. There was no
way to make him understand what was changing me because I did not know.
After I realised that I was
a Muslim, it did not help matters. After all...the only reason a woman
changes something as fundamental as her religion is another man. He could
not find evidence of this other man...but he had to exist. We ended up in a
very ugly divorce. The courts determined that the unorthodox religion would
be detrimental to the development of my children. So they were removed from
my custody.
During the divorce, there
was a time when I was told I could make a choice. I could renounce this
religion and leave with my children, or renounce my children and leave with
my religion. I was in shock. To me this was not a possible choice. If I renounce
my Islam....I would be teaching my children how to be deceptive. For there
was no way to deny what was in my heart. I could not deny Allah, not then,
not ever. I prayed like I had never prayed before. After the thirty minutes
was up, I knew that there was no safer place for my children to be than in
the hands of Allah. If I denied him, there would be no way in the future to
show my children the wonders of being with Allah. The courts were told that
I would leave my children in the hands of Allah. This was not a rejection
of my children!
I left the courts knowing
that life without my babies would be very difficult. My heart bled, even
though I knew, inside, I had done the right thing. I found solace in
Ayat-Ul-Khursi.
"Allah! There is no god but He - the Living, the
Self-subsisting, Supporter of all. No slumber can seize him nor sleep. His
are all things in the heavens and on earth. Who is there can intercede in
His presence except as He permitteth? He knoweth what (appeareth to His
creatures as) Before or After or Behind them. Nor shall they compass aught
of His knowledge except as He willeth. His Throne doth extend over the
heavens and the earth, and he feeleth no fatigue in guarding and preserving
them for He is Most High, The Supreme (in Glory)." (Al-Baqarah, 2:255)
This also got me started
looking at all the attributes of Allah and discovering the beauty of each
one.
Child custody and divorce
were not the only problems I was to face. The rest of my family was not
very accepting of my choice either. Most of the family refused to have
anything to do with me. My mother was of the belief that it was just a
phase and I would grow out of it. My sister, the 'mental health expert' was
sure I had simply lost my mind and should be institutionalised. My father
believed I should be killed before placed myself deeper in Hell. Suddenly I
found myself with no husband and no family. What would be next?
Friends: Most
of my friends drifted away during that first year. I was no fun anymore. I
did not want to go to parties or bars. I was not interested in finding a
boyfriend. All I ever did was read that 'stupid' book (the Qur'an) and talk
about Islam. What a bore. I still did not have enough knowledge to help
them understand why Islam was so beautiful.
Employment: My
job was next to go. While I had won just about every award there was in my
field and was recognised as a serious trend setter and money maker, the day
I put on hijab, was the end of my job. Now I was without a family, without
friends and without a job.
In all this, the first
light was my grandmother. She approved of my choice and joined me. What a
surprise! I always knew she had alot of wisdom, but this! She died soon
after that. When I stop to think about it, I almost get jealous. The day
she pronounced Shahadah, all her misdeeds had been erased, while her good
deeds were preserved. She died so soon after accepting Islam that I knew
her 'BOOK' was bound to be heavy on the good side. It fills me with such
joy!
As my knowledge grew and I
was better able to answer questions, many things changed. But, it was the
changes made in me as a person that had the greatest impact. A few years
after I went public with my Islam, my mother called me and said she did not
know what this 'Islam thing' was, but she hoped I would stay with it. She
liked what it was doing for me. A couple of years after that she called
again and asked what a person had to do to be a Muslim. I told her that all
person had to do was know that there was only ONE God and Mohammed was His
Messenger. Her response was: "Any fool knows that. But what do you
have to do?" I repeated the same information and she said:
"Well...OK. But let's not tell your father just yet."
Little did she know that he
had gone through the same conversation a few weeks before that. My real
father (the one who thought I should be killed) had done it almost two
months earlier. Then, my sister, the mental health person, she told me that
I was the most 'liberated' person she knew. Coming from her that was the
greatest compliment I could have received.
Rather than try to tell you
about how each person came to accept Islam, let me simply say that more
members of my family continue to find Islam every year. I was especially
happy when a dear friends, Brother Qaiser Imam, told me that my ex-husband
took Shahdah. When Brother Qaiser asked him why, he said it was because he
had been watching me for 16 years and he wanted his daughter to have what I
had. He came and asked me to forgive him for all he had done. I had forgiven
him long before that.
Now my oldest son,
Whittney, has called, as I am writing this book, and announced that he also
wants to become Muslim. He plans on taking the Shahadah as the ISNA
Convention in a couple of weeks. For now, he is learning as much as he can.
Allah is The Most Merciful.
Over the years, I have come
to be known for my talks on Islam, and many listeners have chosen to be
Muslim. My inner peace has continued to increase with my knowledge and
confidence in the Wisdom of Allah. I know that Allah is not only my Creator
but, my dearest friend. I know that Allah will always be there and will
never reject me. For every step I take toward Allah, He takes 10 toward me.
What a wonderful knowledge.
True, Allah has tested me,
as was promised, and rewarded me far beyond what I could ever have hoped
for. A few years ago, the doctors told me I had cancer and it was terminal.
They explained that there was no cure, it was too far advanced, and
proceeded to help prepare me for my death by explaining how the disease
would progress. I had maybe one year left to live. I was concerned about my
children, especially my youngest. Who would take care of him? Still I was
not depressed. We must all die. I was confident that the pain I was
experiencing contained Blessings.
I remembered a good friend,
Kareem Al-Misawi, who died of cancer when he was still in his 20's. Shortly
before he died, he told me that Allah was truly Merciful. This man was in
unbelievable anguish and radiating with Allah's love. He said: "Allah intends
that I should enter heaven with a clean book." His death experience
gave me something to think about. He taught me of Allah's love and mercy.
This was something no one else had ever really discussed. Allah's love!
I did not take me long to
start being aware of His blessings. Friends who loved me came out of
nowhere. I was given the gift of making Hag. Even more importantly, I
learned how very important it was for me to share the Truth of Islam with
everyone. It did not matter if people, Muslim or not, agreed with me or
even liked me. The only approval I needed was from Allah. The only love I
needed was from Allah. Yet, I discovered more and more people, who for no
apparent reason, loved me. I rejoiced, for I remembered reading that if
Allah loves you, He causes others to love you. I am not worthy of all the
love. That means it must be another gift from Allah. Allah is the Greatest!
There is no way to fully
explain how my life changed. Alhamdulillah! I am so very glad that I am a
Muslim. Islam is my life. Islam is the beat of my heart. Islam is the blood
that courses through my veins. Islam is my strength. Islam is my life so
wonderful and beautiful. Without Islam, I am nothing and should Allah ever
turn His magnificent face from me I could not survive.
"O Allah! let my heart have light, and my sight have
light, and my hearing (senses) have light, and let me have light on my
right, and let me have light on my left, and let me have light above me,
and have light under me, and have light in front of me, and have light
behind me; and let me have light." (Bukhari, vol. 8. pp. 221, #329)
"Oh my Lord! Forgive my sins and my ignorance and my
exceeding the limits (boundaries of righteousness) in all my deeds and what
you know better than I. O Allah! Forgive my mistakes, those done
intentionally or out of my ignorance or (without) or with seriousness, and
I confess that all such mistakes are done by me. Oh Allah! Forgive my sins
of the past and of the future which i did openly or secretly. You are the
One who makes the things go before, and You are the One who delays them,
and You are the Omnipotent." (Bukhari, vol. , pp. 271, #407)
Published by Islamic Research
and Information Foundation.
|
