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— This is always the
hardest part - to begin to write everything down when I myself do not
understand it all. What has happened to me is great and makes me warm and
fuzzy inside. But, at the same time it scares me very much.
I now have two worlds,
which are very different from one another and their relationship has never
been the best. I feel as though I am standing in the middle of them, with
my left foot in one world and my right foot in the other. I fear that I
have not fully recovered from the entire shock, which was coupled with
ignorance of the differences between my old world and my new one. This is
partly caused by the fact that the two are so incredibly different.
The Mideast and the West
share a violent history, which unfortunately influences how the West looks
upon Islam. Islam is perceived as something evil, corrupt and dangerous,
when in fact, it is not. It is something very special and marvelous. Just
look at the word Islam and what it means. It means to surrender yourself to
God and Him alone. Every human being is born with the natural tendency and
desire to surrender to God.
The way I fell in love with
Islam is actually a bit bizarre. A book I am writing, which contains strong
Islamic and Mideastern influences, was the catalyst. I always found the
Mideast incredibly fascinating. To write this book, however, I had to do a
lot of research. The more I read about Islam the better I began to
understand it. Through this new-found comprehension and understanding, I could
see and describe things I previously was blinded to.
One day, a tidal wave of
inspiration engulfed me and I started to type whatever came to my mind -
the things that happened and so on. My poor fingers religiously attempted
to keep up with the pace of my brain, which was going too fast and almost
on its own. When I re-read the pages, I was deeply moved by their depth and
intensity. I think I stared at my monitor for at least half an hour. For a
minute I finally recognized myself and suddenly I could pinpoint that
emptiness inside me. Then, I realized what I wanted to do. I wanted to
become a Muslim! Just by saying it I scared myself and I had to blush. It
was as if I was speaking of things that are forbidden.
I still cannot comprehend
how this could have happened. But, I can only guess that I must have had
this need and desire all along. After that first impact, Islam has never
released me. In fact, I was so taken by it that almost immediate results
came about, in a way I still cannot comprehend.
Music (mostly dark Gothic
music, Heavy metal, Punk, Hanson), which I always enjoyed listening to, now
became improper. I abandoned clothing that was too revealing or too tight.
Everything I had doubts about, I removed from my room, literally turning it
upside down (I will get around to fixing it again soon).
At that point, the euphoric
feelings traded places with those of fear and insecurity, which I wanted to
push away from me. I kept telling myself that I could not do it and that I
was not strong enough. Excuses and more excuses. Then slowly, you start to
talk to people about it, which only succeeds in further discouraging you. I
did not have Internet at the time and information was sparse, certainly in
the place I live, a small fishing community in the Netherlands.
I went to the tourist
information office and found one person I could talk to, but I was not yet
brave enough to call. After that, I went to the library. As I did not have
a library card, I had to read the books there and since time was sparse I again
became stressed. One of the books that I picked up off the shelf was the
Muslim Woman s Handbook. But, I could NEVER do THAT! You begin to see all
these Arabic words that you do not understand; and names that did not sound
Dutch began to terrify me even more. The book almost made it sound like
Islam was an exclusive club. What if I was not even allowed to become a
Muslim? What if I had to be born a Muslim? As a result, more insecurity and
more fears.
By reading the various
books, I started to realize what a poor and wrong life I had lived. It was
something that no minister or priest had been able to clarify for me. And
here I was finding it out on my own, in the book that had been written by
Muslim women. I felt deeply ashamed. I felt ashamed of my former hostile
attitude towards Muslim women and my inheritance of the West.
I did not eat, drink or
sleep much during the last couple of days. I was really bothered and I
wanted to know more but I just did not know how do go about it. I felt a
strong desire to seek out a contact, but I was scared to make the first
move. Boy, amn t I the brave one? Honestly, I am not the bravest person and
to take those first steps is not an easy task.
I remember a few days ago,
when I went to bed, sat on my knees and called out to myself, There is no
God but God alone, and Mohammed is His Prophet, though not in Arabic
because at that time I knew very little. After I got under the sheets, I
broke into tears. When I describe this special moment I still feel very
emotional about it.
When I told my mother as
such, she laughed and mocked me, saying, I really do not see you walking
around in a headscarf! However, I do understand how she feels. She is in
pain because, according to her, I have gone astray. She is hurt because I
cannot accept Jesus in the way that Christians do, but that I can accept
Mohammed (pbuh) a prophet of
God. As soon as I told her about my desire to become a Muslim, we got into
heated discussions where she demanded her rights over me as my mother. I
could not give them to her, so I left in the middle of the argument. When I
was at the door she tried to convince me that Islam was bad and that it was
especially so for women as they lose their rights , have no life of their
own ; and that the religion only exists to dictate sex segregation . I let
out a deep distorted sigh and realized that this was going to be very
difficult, but nonetheless, I still wanted to go through with it. The will
and desire were there, although I still do not fully know how.
Things between my mother
and I have changed. We have solved our differences and her fear has now
changed into genuine interest. I also bought her a small book, entitled
Islam for Beginners and it seems to help her a lot. Through Allah, I now
can better understand my mother and this mutual understanding has made our
relationship stronger.
The reactions of the rest
of the family were somewhat stiff in the beginning, but in general, they
had a positive impression. This is mainly because, for all of us, many
things are still unclear and my family does not entirely know where this
journey will take me. But, I feel that these insecurities will decrease as
I grow stronger in my beliefs.
Now, my family members are
asking me more questions, which I think is a very positive step. I am also
very thankful to Allah, because my family s impressions regarding my new
life have been complimentary and encouraging. They see me change, almost
daily, and none have yet to say that what I do or show them is wrong,
Alhamdullilah. That makes me feel really good.
The first thing I have to
do is continue acquiring knowledge because I feel in my entire soul that
Allah is the Good, the Merciful and the Generous.
How badly I have organized
my life and how poorly-ordered it was continues to hurt me and very much
so. How very wrong some of the things I have done have been. To realize
this can be quite a painful experience.
However, my biggest fear is
that I will not be accepted. I have reasons for that fear, since other
religious communities have denied me access because they could not accept
me due to personal reasons .
I cannot change who or what
I am. That is how I was born. The things in the past are exactly that - in
the past - and I cannot change them. The only things I wish and desire are
to contribute in a positive manner and to become a better person.
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